by Dan Erenberg

I last blogged about the Oscars for Slow Century two years ago. Re-reading it now, it seems to drip with vitriol. Now, the simple reason for my anger was that Slumdog Millionaire was the big front-runner that year and I totally hated that movie. Just be glad I didn’t write about the Oscars last year because my Avatar hatred actually managed to far outshine my Slumdog hatred. This year, my plan is to be a lot calmer and kinder. I actually like most of the nominees this year. I can’t remember a year in which I didn’t totally hate at least one of the Best Picture nominees. And this year is the second year with ten, so I’m feeling very impressed with the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. So, feeling positive and happy, let’s get on with the show.

…

Okay. One complaint. The King’s Speech was a good movie. But was it good enough to have the most nominations of any film? Is it good enough to be the front-runner for Best Picture? No. Not even close.  Especially when my favorite film of the year, Blue Valentine, was denied its rightful place among the nominees. But, with Blue Valentine out of the race, I’m happy to sit at home rooting for a pack of films as uniformly great as The Social Network, Black Swan, 127 Hours and Winter’s Bone. Fine films, all.

…

Okay. One more. The Kids Are All Right is nominated for Best Picture. Also, it’s kind of a piece of shit. But, I don’t expect it to win much so I can’t be too pissed off. Now, let’s actually get going.

8:17- I’m watching the Red Carpet show on ABC. They scored interviews with the hosts of this fine award show, James Franco and Anne Hathaway. I have my doubts about this pairing, I must admit. James Franco has been funny in projects like Freaks and Geeks and Pineapple Express, but he seemed pretty out of it in his interview and he’s generally pretty low-energy in personal appearances. Meanwhile, Anne Hathaway? Really? She’s an excellent actress, even Oscar-worthy two years back in Rachel Getting Married, but an Oscar host? Shouldn’t award show hosts be, you know, funny? Anne Hathaway is charming and likeable, but she isn’t funny at all. I remember her getting good notices for a hosting turn on Saturday Night Live and I do remember watching that. She was a charming and likeable Saturday Night Live host, but not particularly funny. I don’t know. The Oscars can be boring without a few laughs here and there.

8:23- Halle Berry is getting interviewed. She has an Oscar. That is not any less depressing now than it was when she won. She’s talking about her close personal relationship with her hero, Lena Horne. I happen to know for a fact that Lena Horne’s favorite movie of all time was B*A*P*S.

8:30- Here we go. Opening with a very portentous montage of nominees. Pretty well edited, actually.

8:32- An Inception parody with Hathaway, Franco and Alec Baldwin. Slightly amusing so far. Hathaway seems to be playing the straight woman. She’s already a bit of a handicap on the show. And we’re moving into the other nominees now. One of those bits where the hosts get spliced into film clips. Predictable, but fine. Last year’s host Alec Baldwin is easily the funniest part. Not a good omen.

8:37- Franco and Hathaway get out onto the stage. Hugh Jackman beams gay-ly from the audience.

8:39- Franco continues to be funny. Hathaway continues to be the straight woman. It’s not really working for me.

8:41- It looks like we’re going to spend the night wanking off to clips from old movies that don’t hold up today. First shitty film? Gone With The Wind. That old classic. I don’t believe in “good for its time” if it is unwatchable by today’s much higher standards. Oh, and now we’re talking about Titanic. Which doesn’t even hold up today after just thirteen years.

8:44- Tom Hanks presents the Art Direction award. Alice In Wonderland wins. The art direction in that flick wasn’t bad. But it was a little too generically Tim Burton for my tastes. I would’ve given it to Inception. The acceptance speech here is pretty charming though. “Why didn’t I lose those twenty pounds?” At least as funny as anything Anne Hathaway has said so far.

8:46- Tom Hanks stays out to present the Cinematography award. Inception gets it, which I can’t really argue with too much, though I probably would have given it to Black Swan. I knew Black Swan wouldn’t win though because it was shot on grainy handheld. Whatever, though. Inception was a pretty beautiful-looking movie.

8:51- We’re back after our first commercial. Franco and Hathaway introduce Kirk Douglas and he canes on out to the microphone to a standing ovation. He’s talking now but I can’t understand a word he’s saying. This is kind of a bummer. Now he’s perving out on Anne Hathaway. Which is actually pretty baller. It seems like he’s introducing the Best Supporting Actress category. I mean, probably. I still can’t decipher what he’s trying to get across.

8:55- Douglas is wasting time. It’s mostly sad. What if Hailee Steinfeld has to embrace him? That would be awesome. “I will never forget this moment,” he says. Yup. As long as he shall live.

8:57- Melissa Leo wins. I was sort of rooting for Hailee Steinfeld because I thought Melissa Leo was pretty one-note in The Fighter. It’s okay though. She handled the Kirk Douglas monster classily by flirting with him and she’s a cast member on Treme, which I adore. So I can’t be too bummed.

8:59- She said “Fuck.” Awesome.

9:01- Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake come out. They’re getting their sexy on and stuff, I guess. Timberlake opens with, “I’m Banksy.” Funniest line of the night. Mila Kunis is the hottest shit ever. Jesus Christ. It’s a little bit too much.

9:02- Maybe we’ll get a nip slip! She’s getting close! But first, Animated Shorts. Timberlake ripped on Kirk Douglas. He should be co-hosting with James Franco.

9:04- The Lost Thing wins. I’m not familiar with it but the animation looked pretty. The guys accepting the award have hardcore Australian accents. The Animal Kingdom guys are looking on with jealousy in their Aussie eyes.

9:05- Now we’ve got Animated Feature. Toy Story 3 wins. This will go down as the least surprising win of the night.

9:12- Anne Hathaway is wasting time talking about the first ever Academy Awards. ‘Cause, you know, they don’t make ‘em like they used to.

9:13- Javier Bardem and Josh Brolin come out, both wearing blindingly white suits. They’re introducing Best Adapted Screenplay. Social Network should win this. If it doesn’t, the Academy is wrong.

9:14- Aaron Sorkin wins it for The Social Network. Shit, yes. I hope he has a coke party to celebrate. I love this guy. West Wing forever. He talks over the go-away  music for what seems like a few minutes and he rules so hard. 

9:16- Now for Original Screenplay. The King’s Speech wins, which I can’t argue with too much. For the first time in recent memory, the Adapted Screenplay nominees were much more consistently great than the films in the Original category. The writer, David Seidler, accepts on behalf of all stutterers, saying “We have a voice.” Yup. A v-v-v-voice. Sorry. Easy joke.

9:23- Anne Hathaway is wearing a suit now. I think she’s gonna sing. Annoying.

9:24- She’s singing “On My Own” from Les Miserables. The lyrics are changed. I’m pretty sure they’re supposed to be funny. But it’s really embarrassingly bad. The premise is that Hugh Jackman was supposed to sing with her but wimped out at the last second. But this is a false premise, because Hugh Jackman has never turned down the opportunity to sing showtunes in his life. Now, James Franco is wearing a dress and talking about getting text messages from Charlie Sheen. Very Bruce Vilanche.

9:26- Helen Mirren and Russell Brand come out, perhaps to promote Arthur.  Brand is pretty funny and they are now introducing Foreign Language Film. In A Better World wins. I’m torn. I really, really wanted the absolutely brilliant Dogtooth to win, but I’m also psyched that the absolutely dreadful Biutiful didn’t. The director of In A Better World can’t speak English very well. Or maybe she’s just a stutterer! Finally getting a voice on the Oscar stage!

9:29- Reese Witherspoon comes out to introduce the nominees for Best Supporting Actor. I really hope Christian Bale wins and I think he will.

9:32- Christian Bale does, in fact, win. And he’s got a hall-of-fame beard going. He either just got choked up or forgot his wife’s name. Or he pretended to get choked up because he forgot his wife’s name. He is, after all, an Academy Award winning actor.

9:38- Ah. The old President of the Academy speech. They’ve made jokes about this the last few years, but this one seems a bit more earnest. The President of ABC is hanging out too, to announce their contract with the Oscars has been renewed through 2020.

9:40- Anne Hathaway says some unfunny shit and Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman come out and act Australian. They’re talking about silent films. You know, because there are so many great ones. 

9:41- I don’t really get what’s happening now. I guess the Academy Award orchestra is performing bits of classic scores. Yes. John Williams is pretty awesome. We get it.

9:42- Man, I sure do hope Trent Reznor walks away with an Oscar tonight for his Social Network score.

9:43- Trent Reznor has an Oscar! Fuck, yes! My favorite moment of the night so far.

9:45- Scarlett Johanssen and Matthew McConaghuey come out to do the Sound awards.  Inception wins, which I don’t think anyone can really get pissed off about. Inception wins Sound Editing too because it was really loud and stuff, I guess.

9:52- In a commercial, Celine Dion sings Happy Birthday to cancer.

9:53- Marisa Tomei comes out looking fine. But, disappointingly, not as nude as she was in The Wrestler. She did that Special Extra Awards ceremony this year. It’s always some fine lady. Good for Marisa Tomei. 

9:55- Anne Hathaway called Cate Blanchett “always stunning,” but she’s actually a very unattractive woman. She’s one of those women that other women find attractive, I guess. She’s doing Best Makeup. Rick Baker wins for The Wolfman, that horrible piece of shit. But the Academy is obsessed with Rick Baker. I can’t believe The Wolfman won an Oscar. Wow.

9:58- Blanchett stays out to do Costume Design. Alice In Wonderland wins. And, if that mediocre-but-entertaining film deserves anything, it’s probably this.

10:01- A montage of great Best Song winners. Because there are so many. Remember when “My Heart Will Go On” beat “Miss Misery,” by Elliott Smith? That was stupid.

10:02- Kevin Spacey shows up and sings. He’s been doing that a lot lately. It was charming at first but has gotten a bit grating. Oh man. They’re gonna perform the four nominees now. Bummer. First up, Randy Newman doing his new Toy Story song. Man, that guy is such a weirdo. I kind of love him for it.

10:05- Mandy Moore and Zachary Levi perform their song from Tangled. The song is really awful, but I’m pretty pumped up that Chuck from Chuck is singing at the Oscars. Chuck singing stopped being weird and then the song got worse. Lame.

10:06- They’re going to commercial now. They’ll do the other two nominees later I guess? Weird.

10:11- Amy Adams and Jake Gyllenhaal show up. Gosh, Amy Adams is fine. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: If I could just do one woman once for the rest of my life, it’d be her. They’re doing Documentary Short Subject. Strangers No More wins. Never heard of it. 

10:14- Live Action Short Film is next. God of Love wins. It looks very hipster-y. I think maybe Portlandia just won Best Live Action Short Film. Luke Matheny accepts. He’s enthusiastic and kind of awesome. He thanks his mom for doing craft services and NYU. James Franco responds with, “NYU! What up!” Hilarious.

10:17- A weird bit, which turns dialogue from nominated films into auto-tuned songs. I guess it’s supposed to be funny, but it’s mostly just weird. Like, the Oscar writers came up with it really fucking late at night in a delirious fit.

10:19- Anne Hathaway shakes around and acts cute. Well, she’s certainly good for that.

10:20- Oprah shows up! And acts sanctimonious, like always. She’s presenting Best Documentary. Man, I hope Exit Through The Gift Shop wins. Please, please, please.

10:21- Inside Job wins. Not one of the stronger nominees. Shit. Where the fuck is Banksy, goddammit! Argh! Biggest disappointment of the night by far.

10:26- Billy Crystal shows up. Looking puffy.

10:27- “The producers told me to tell you we’re running long. So here are the nominees for Best Picture.” Pretty decent joke. But now he’s talking about Bob Hope a lot. Even though we actually are running pretty damn long. Mostly because of Kirk Douglas. 

10:29- They’re doing a weird thing where they’re projecting Bob Hope above a podium and pretending that he’s there hosting the show. It’s a little bit creepy.

10:30- Robert Downey Jr. Always funny. Jude Law. Always bland. They’re actually quite funny together. A highlight, even. Now they’re presenting Best Visual Effects. Probably to Inception.

10:33- Yup. Inception. Kind of a no-brainer.

10:34- Downey and Law hang around to present Best Editing. The Social Network wins, which is what I was rooting for and stuff.

10:40- Anne Hathaway’s best costume change yet. She looks way fine. And Franco is hilarious. “How To Train Your Dragon. That’s disgusting.” Awesome.

10:41- It’s “Oscar-winner” Jennifer Hudson. Jeez.

10:42- Florence is singing the 127 Hours song without the help of the Machine. She’s being unsettlingly earnest, like always. Man, I saw Florence and the Machine live a couple of months ago and it was a really weird experience. It was kind of hard to watch. Loosen the fuck up, Florence!

10:44- Gwyneth Paltrow shows up to sing something from Country Strong. Dude, you couldn’t pay me in any amount of money or blow jobs to sit through that thing. And I just paid 13 bucks to see The Roommate, just because Country Strong co-star Leighton Meester was in it. By the way, this song is terrible and Gwyneth Paltrow can only kind of sing.

10:46- Randy Newman wins Best Song for “We Belong Together,” from Toy Story 3. This is his second win and twentieth nomination, which is pretty nuts.  He’s actually very funny, as he tends to be.

10:52- Celine Dion! Is she singing to cancer again? Nope. She’s doing the “In Memoriam” thing. Always a super huge bummer. It’s pretty classy this year, but they’re not doing the thing where they list a couple of films by each of the people who died, and I’ve never heard of most of these people. I think not including that was a huge mistake.

10:55- Lena Horne is last, which segues into Halle Berry yammering about being a black performer, even though she’s only half-black. 

10:57- I’m supposed to be, like, super moved right now, aren’t I?

11:01- Anne Hathaway comes out wearing her, like, ninth dress of the night.

11:02- Here’s Hilary Swank, perhaps the ugliest woman in the room.  She busts out Kathryn Bigalow to help her give out the Best Director award. Bigalow is way more awesome and also more attractive than Hilary Swank.

11:03- Tom Hooper wins Best Director for The King’s Speech. Direction. Not one of the strengths of the film. Hmm. This is a real disappointment for me. I really truly thought that the unbelievably brilliant David Fincher deserved his first Oscar for putting together The Social Network. I am seriously upset right now. This is killing me.

11:05- I didn’t know that The King’s Speech was originally a play, but it’s the least surprising news ever. Tom Hooper did not do much visually to disguise this fact.

11:06- Annette Bening comes out looking kind of rough, but I still love her anyway. Even though The Kids Are All Right was really super lame. She’s introducing a montage of lifetime achievement winners. These include Eli Wallach, Jean-Luc Godard and Francis Ford Coppola, so not too shabby.

11:11- Make a wish!

11:12- Last year’s Best Actor winner Jeff Bridges comes out to present Best Actress. Probably and hopefully to Natalie Portman. He’s doing sweet little intros to all five though. I’m enjoying this. Jeff Bridges is so damn affable and avuncular. I can never not hear Nicole Kidman’s Australian accent. I am not a fan. By the by, if Portman doesn’t win, I hope it goes to Jennifer Lawrence. She was incredible in Winter’s Bone. Or Michelle Williams, who was absolutely amazing in Blue Valentine. Man. Good category!

11:16- Natalie Portman has an Oscar. That rules. Also, she’ll soon have a baby. And she got the biggest ovation of the night! Wow!

11:17- She made me cry a little.

11:19- Here comes Sandra Bullock. Yup. Academy Award winner Sandra fucking Bullock. Gosh. She is presenting Best Actor. Because she won an Academy Award for Best Actress last year. Seriously. Gosh.

11:23- I’m rooting For Eisenberg or Franco. But, I mean, who am I kidding? Colin Firth has got this in the bag, right? 

11:25- Colin Firth. Yeah, he was good in The King’s Speech and he’s a very charming fellow. I’d prepared myself for this one, so I can’t get too bummed out. Can’t say I wasn’t hoping for an upset though.

11:32- The Spielberg comes out to present Best Picture. He walks out to the totally fucking awesome score from Jurassic Park. Please let it go to Social Network. That would make this whole night worth it. 

11:36- The King’s Speech is a Best Picture winner, and a positively lightweight film next to the majority of its fellow nominees. I give up. Is the correct choice ever made in this category? Seriously. Ever?

11:39- Some kids from Staten Island are singing “When You Wish Upon A Star.” It isn’t inspiring or cute. Just way super creepy. I don’t like it.

11:37- I’m gonna go get drunk and watch the Ranger game that I recorded to my DVR earlier. It is sure to be far more entertaining than this awards show was. But hopefully you were entertained by this walk through. Welcome to Slow Century, guys. You’ll dig it. We’ve got some pretty funny shit on here. Please keep on reading.

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March 1, 2011 at 12:35am